Why we date

On one of my alumni lists, there’s been a quite interesting discussion in recent days about the longevity of marriage and divorce, and whether the traditional model of marriage is outdated in this day of longer lifetimes and faster change. This was all tripped off by one of our classmates, Sandra Tsing Loh, who since her days at Caltech has become something of a national media commentator and playwright. She is divorcing after 20 or so years of marriage, and has been blogging about it and appearing on talk shows, and has incited something of a response in the op-ed pages of various newspapers.

All of which is somewhat beside the point, though the opinions of my fellow Caltech grads have been very interesting, ranging from the economics of families over time to gender roles to the role of affairs in divorce. We’re just old enough at this point that many of us too have had long-term marriages (and divorced), some to the point where their kids are getting married and divorced – and just geeky enough that there’s a strong interest in analyzing the parameters.

The most thought-provoking bit for me from the entire discussion was this – if people go into relationships to gain something, they are likely to fail. And if people go into relationships to make another person happy, they are likely to succeed. While most people have both motivations, it is the balance of the two that’s important – if your desire to make the other person happy is greater than 50% (being Techies, there was a need to quantify the issue), then the love exceeds the selfishness and the relationship is likely to improve or at least succeed over time. It was his contention that if the balance was even a little to the opposite side, that little bit of extra selfishness would slowly erode the relationship until, over a long period of time, it would fail.

I felt that was an important insight into the nature of relationships. I’ve been thinking recently about my adventures with Match.com and whether they’re really worthwhile. It’s not even so much a matter of whether one could find someone – I’ve met enough nice people that way that I’m starting to think you could, eventually. It’s more a matter of why – why exactly do people go on Match.com? The answer seems clear – to fulfill needs that they have.

I’m not at all saying that it’s a bad thing to have a need or desire for a deep and fulfilling relationship – only that the act of going online to meet strangers to try to fill that need is an entirely one-sided act. It is all about finding what you need. Of course you might grow to love a person you meet. But it seems more likely that people would date until two people met who seemed to fill each other’s spaces, needs, or criteria, and then they would get married (or whatever). I’ve written before about feeling like I’m being interviewed for the position of “wife”. Which is exactly what I’m talking about.

So in light of the balance being spoken of above, how likely are these relationships to succeed? Lately I had already been thinking that I just need to live my life and see who I meet. If I don’t meet anyone, I’m not getting out enough. And if I’m not happy not meeting anyone, then I’m not doing enough of the things in life that I love. And lately I’ve been finding myself more and more happy, just happy living.

I know one or two people that I feel the other way about – what I really want is to be a part of their lives so I can contribute to their happiness (and my own). Unfortunately, they’re not available for that kind of relationship. So I’m thinking, I just need to wait until I meet someone else that I really feel that way about, where the overriding impulse is that person and their happiness.

No matter how nice the guys are on Match.com (or any other dating venue), they’re looking for someone to fulfill their needs, and they’re going to judge me by that criterion. And so will I, since I won’t know them well enough to love them yet. So any relationship we start will have started on a basically selfish act by both parties, and if our love and marriage commentator is right, that’s not the best place to start.

Dieting, once more

Yeah, yeah :) One would hope that at some point one could learn to eat in a healthy enough way that diets would no longer be necessary. And what planet would that be on, you ask? Actually, I do eat pretty healthily, focusing on whole grains, veggies, fruits, and nonfat dairy, with very little meat or fat. But desserts are my downfall, and for the last several years, I’ve been working really long hours to get established in my new field and basically giving myself a pass on exercising either my body or my will-power.

I do seem to have a built-in instinct for when it’s time to do something about it, and I never let it get really bad. I’ve got between 10-15 pounds to lose, depending on whether I want to be a good healthy weight or really look good in everything I wear. So, it’s time. But somehow I just don’t feel like doing all the counting, which is absolutely necessary if you really want to do it yourself, unless you’re an exercise fiend (not!). And oddly, though I love cooking, I don’t feel like doing it for a diet. It’s complicated and requires a lot of planning to make it work and not overeat.

Which is a long way around to say that I’m handing my diet over to someone else – a food company that delivers freshly-made meals, calibrated for a specific caloric intake, made from reasonably local ingredients. This has a lot of advantages over everything else out there that I’ve looked at – I won’t bore most of you with the details, but if you’re interested in a really detailed blog on my experiences with this, you can read about it on the Diet to Go page. Not to mention that I will probably get a much more varied diet and a fair bit more protein than I would on my own – not a bad thing for a change.

I have been eating these meals for several days now, and I am really impressed with the flavors, freshness, and texture of the food – way better than I expected, and for the cost of what I spend on groceries anyway. And they sent me macaroni & cheese the first week, which means this must be the plan for me :)

Bicycling in Olympia

There are probably very few communities one could live in and still feel guilty driving a Prius. Here in West Olympia, people bike, bike, bike, and if they’re not biking, they’re walking, scootering, skateboarding, or taking the bus. Or driving a teeny electric car :D I think it’s starting to rub off on me. Over the years, various friends have tried to get me into biking, mostly to no avail. Trying to learn to ride at 45 feels a little awkward. Last time I tried it, I just felt uncomfortable and not that safe. But I’m thinking now maybe the bike just wasn’t right for me.

Bikes have come a long way since I was a kid. I recently visited a bike shop in Olympia (of which there are many), and found a lot of new styles that looked easier to ride, and easier to figure out. I never did get the hang of those lever gear shifts, for example, and bikes today have way more gears. Now they have clearly labeled hand grips that turn – nice! The other thing that appealed to me are the new “step-through” bikes – these have really low crossbars, and are meant so that you can easily get on your bike and get your feet on the ground anytime you need to.

Here’s the bike I ended up settling on (Trek 7200 WSD, a brand that came highly recommended by my “bikey” friends):

It still looks a little odd to me because of the crossbar shape, but this is a serious bike. It’s kind of a cross-over between comfortable and performance – it has shocks in the seat and handlebars, raised handlebars so I can have a straight back (far more comfortable for me than leaning over), a comfortable seat, and the low crossbar. At the same time, it is built to the dimensions of a woman’s body, has “fast” tires meant for roads and trails, 21 speeds, and high-quality components. As the bike guy put it, you can tool around the neighborhood or go on a cross-country ride on this bike.

Most importantly, I got on it easily and rode comfortably down the block. It was intuitive to use, fast, and stable. As I was riding it, the first thought that came into my head was “I would ride this bike.” And that’s what matters!

Salmon, yum… another great recipe

A while back I posted my famous salmon marinade, and it’s one of those posts that gets a lot of hits, especially this time of year. I just found another really great salmon recipe, which I made this year with the first of the Copper River sockeye run from Alaska. This one is so good that it just had to be posted, especially since the entire dinner takes under 15 minutes to make!

It’s a perfect time of year to pair wild salmon with spring asparagus, so that’s what I did. Baby bok choy would be a very good choice as well. Basically, you heat up the water for the asparagus and chop the ends, then brush the salmon with olive oil and sprinkle with a little salt and pepper. Throw the asparagus in the boiling water (this is better than steaming) and at the same time, cook the salmon however you prefer (broil, pan fry, barbecue). Take the asparagus out when they’re bright green and crisp-tender. Cook the salmon over medium heat until it flakes easily, but don’t overdo it!

Meanwhile, make the super-simple sauce, which is a sweet-hot Asian sauce:

2 T honey
1 T lime juice
2 t soy sauce
1 t Asian hot chile sauce (like Sriracha)
4 t thinly sliced green onions

This is so fast you can easily make it while the fish is cooking. When the fish is done, drizzle the sauce over the fish, and voila! If you prefer a mild version, use Asian garlic-chile sauce. There is still a tad of heat, but much less. The sweet-hot of this sauce goes really well with salmon, and would also be great with shrimp. I couldn’t part with the left-over sauce, so I put it in a glass bottle and kept it for later use.

Enjoy!

Change really happens

I have to call this “personal change” because the word “change” has kind of been co-opted :D People might think I’m talking about Obama, which I do often enough. But no, this is about my life. For YEARS, I’ve been talking about changing my life, to the point where every time I say, “just a few more months and things will be different,” no-one believes me anymore.

But the fact is, I’m there!! And I just have to share it because it’s been a constant blogging theme over the years. I’ve been talking about the change I want to make happen, and it finally occurred to me that now that it’s here, I should say something :D So, what has changed?

In the last 5 years, I have moved three times (actually four, if you count the apartment I was living in while looking for a house). I am finally in the house that is really right for me, in a town I love, in a neighborhood I enjoy and with lots of wonderful things to do. Yay! I am no longer paying for a house that is too big for me, and my mortgage payments are under $1000. I have a manageable size yard and just enough space in the house, not too big, not too small. It’s open and airy and unique in style, in a woodsy green part of the city.

Probably the biggest piece of the puzzle and the one that will finally keep my colleagues from scoffing at my claims of change ;) is that I have finally made my career transition. I am no longer taking technical work (unless I really decide I want to take a small, interesting project) and I have finished all but one of my existing technical projects. That one is waiting on some agency decisions before writing the final report. I have enough mediation work to support myself full-time at a strong income level. My technical editing work is going well and more than paying the mortgage each month. Most importantly – I am no longer working the equivalent of three jobs.

Which leads to the biggest change of all – free time. My calender is open. I have major facilitation commitments for one week every two months, with maintenance work in between, and editing jobs on about an every other day basis, that don’t take up the full day. To see those empty pages on my calendar is just joy materialized, especially in contrast to the last three years, where every day of every page was filled with meetings, conference calls, appointments and work that had to be done in the evenings and weekends. As of this week, I feel free.

Free to exercise and get healthier – I spent yesterday researching the various studios and gyms that offer yoga, tai chi, and pilates in this area (of which there are many). I can go bike riding or kayaking or walking. I can dink around the farmer’s market and buy healthy food to cook, or just enjoy the day. I have a brand new wonderful gas stove on which to cook the healthy food. Time to sleep…

Free to write and continue to move more of my work online, always with the goal of diversifying and being able to live in Latin America someday. I am excited about revamping my website, finishing my book (which has been 2/3 done for years), offering new kinds of readings, and teaching classes online. I want to try self-publishing. For a change, I am a student in an online tarot study group.

Free to let my body be what it is, and have the down-time it needs, without always having to force myself to work through it because there were deadlines that had to be met and commitments to clients to keep.

Free to have a relationship, when and if that manifests itself, and free to enjoy social time with my friends without feeling like it impossibly cuts into my energy level and workload. Maybe I can finally have a dinner party here :) What I would really love is a dinner group – once a month or so we all cook for each other.

Free to travel and take a vacation of more than one week. I honestly can’t remember how long it’s been since I had more than one week or 10 days on vacation at a time – probably around 10 years. Maybe I can finally really learn Spanish.

Obviously, I won’t get to do all these things at once. But I have a choice now to do any of them I want – and that’s a change for the better, and hard-earned. Thank you for celebrating that with me.

Stimulus, anyone?

I’m just curious if anyone has directly felt the results of the stimulus package or new economic policies recently. Here are some ways in which they have positively impacted me lately, from more direct to less direct:

- I was able to claim the $600 tax credit on my 2008 taxes (I think because I didn’t receive it the year before but was eligible this year)
- I will be able to claim a 30% rebate on the installation of an energy-efficient tankless water heater on next year’s taxes (and if I decide to replace my old windows later this year, on that too)
- I refinanced at a rate of 4.65, which will save me $200/month in payments, and a good friend did the same and will save $400/month, and I know of at least two other friends who have refinanced for big savings and/or reduction in loan period
- I have one friend who avoided foreclosure of her home through the new program
- Seems like my SEP-IRA has rebounded a bit

Now if only this were my first house, I could have claimed that sweet $8000 tax credit on buying it last year! Oh well… On the plus side, my cousin and his fiance are buying their first house at very good prices and will get the rebate, so yay :) It was a foreclosed house and they are putting a lot of work into it, but in the end it will be a very good deal for them.

Stuff that is less reassuring… WA Mutual got taken over by Chase. I suppose that is neutral and still fall-out from the original issues. Nothing seems to have changed (we have an non-profit account there that I manage as Treasurer). My bank reduced my credit line from a really ridiculously high level to a somewhat more reasonable level (amounts not listed to protect the innocent) because I pay it off each month and never get anywhere near it. To me, that actually seems like a bright move on their part, a tiny bit of fiscal responsibility. What a concept – give people only the level of credit they actually need/want.

What about you? I usually wouldn’t talk this much about personal money, but it’s interesting to see when/if a government policy actually makes a difference. I haven’t heard of anyone I know getting or keeping a job due to the stimulus money, though I know organizations that have benefited from it. Have you?

A kinder, gentler IRS?

A while back, maybe in March, I heard an interview with the new Director of the IRS on NPR. He seemed like a nice enough guy, and basically said the IRS was going to cut people some slack this year due to all the economic upheaval. Even if you couldn’t pay your taxes, you were encouraged to send in your return and work with them on a plan, or maybe they could find you some credits to help out. Sounds great, in theory :)

Well, this year I had a little problem with my taxes, as in underpaying them. Last year, I decided to start using the annualized income method, which a complicated way of calculating your quarterly estimated taxes. Normally, you have to pay the same amount each quarter, based on what you earned last year. But my income varies so much from year to year and from quarter to quarter that that just wasn’t working for me. I kept guessing wrong and overpaying or underpaying substantially.

So, I started using the horribly complicated form each quarter and carefully filled it out, basically like doing your whole taxes every quarter. Still, I felt good that I was paying the right amount as I went along, and at the end of the year it would all work out right. NOT. You see, I made sort of a basic, unrelated mistake. In the middle of the year I moved and got new bank accounts (but still had the old ones). I downloaded those into Quicken and started directing a lot of my payments into them. But forgot to add them to the automatic reports I was using to calculate my taxes (OOPS!). So, I underpaid for the 3rd and 4th quarters and owed a penalty at the end of the year.

SIGH. In early April I sat down to do my taxes, paid the unpaid amount, and then worked on the form to calculate the penalty. Because I was using annualized income, the IRS couldn’t do it for me – so I had to do all four quarters ALL OVER AGAIN. Nevertheless, at the end, I found I only owed about $60 in penalty. Yay! Mostly because the error was late in the year and the interest on the unpaid amount wasn’t that much.

Remembering the NPR interview and at a friend’s urging, I included a note of apology and an explanation of how I had managed to underpay my taxes. Yesterday, I got something from the IRS. This always makes me a little nervous, as any small business should at even the remotest possibility of an audit. But lo and behold, it was a check in the amount of my penalty payment. Apparently they took my good faith and attempts to do the right thing into account, and gave me a break. It’s not that much in terms of dollars, but it feels like a nice gesture anyway. So thanks, IRS!