My Dad- a memorial, through a glass darkly
This Memorial Day, I’d like to honor my Dad. I didn’t know him well – his time in Korea at the DMZ changed him forever, and it was difficult for him to maintain a normal civilian life. It’s likely he became involved in drugs in the Army, and when I was quite young, became an alcoholic and one night, left my Mom with two small children, and attempted suicide. Later in his life he did his best with marriage and family life again, but never succeeded for long.
Eventually, he disappeared, about the time I was 14. We think he was living in the Southwest somewhere, California or Las Vegas, involved in shady deals just to survive. He was a great salesman, very charismatic… but by the time I was a teen, somewhat delusional. At the time, I really didn’t understand it fully, though I dreamed of his return like any young girl.
We never did find out what happened to him. Like others in the family, I went through a period where I wanted to know, intensely. But his parents and sisters before me, and my Mom and Grandfather had already tried, using private investigators and every other means they could think of. It was known that he had various identities, and that made it harder. We can only assume he is no longer living, a victim of alcohol or life on the street.
I understand him better now – in many ways I wish I could sit down and talk with my father of the past, and assure him that I never judged him, that I understand. I hope wherever he is, he knows I love him. I post this today for all those whose lives and families have become irrevocably altered by their time in the services, in ways that no-one ever talks about.
Through the travail of the ages
Midst the pomp and toil of war
Have I fought and strove and perished
Countless times upon this star.
I have sinned and I have suffered
Played the hero and the knave
Fought for belly, shame or country
And for each have found a grave.
So as through a glass and darkly
The age long strife I see
Where I fought in many guises,
Many names — but always me.
So forever in the future
Shall I battle as of yore,
Dying to be born a fighter
But to die again once more.
- General George Patton, spoken by the Eternal Soldier
Fundamental goodness
Now and then I make it my business to try to find the good in things – or people – that I usually don’t agree with or appreciate. Like searching for good news in the doom and gloom media… or noticing the one area in which I can really appreciate President Bush’s ideas (his views on immigration reform).
The world is complex, and the more we objectify “the other”, the more we get ourselves into situations like partisan bickering, or in its ultimate expression, sectarian wars. But people, and even institutions, don’t really fit our rigid views of them, and we forget this at our peril.
So… this week it’s Christian fundamentalists. Not a group I usually have much in common with, being the agnostic liberal that I am. But here are some things I’ve seen in the news lately that I find heartening and truly in line with the Christian values I was taught as a child:
Foster care – Lately, there’s been a movement among fundamentalists to adopt and/or foster more children. All I can say is Hallelujah. There are so many kids in this world that need parents, it has always struck me as odd and even a little selfish to bring more into the world without taking care of the ones we have. Especially for those who don’t believe in birth control, there is a collective responsibility on all of our parts to take care of these children. I worry that the world has too many children to be sustainable (all the more reason to adopt!), which leads directly into the second topic…
Environment – There is an increasingly strong contingent of fundamentalists who believe that protecting and preserving the earth is man’s God-given responsibility. I couldn’t agree more – it doesn’t matter to me if you believe God created the Earth in seven days or if it was formed over millenia after the Big Bang. It IS our responsibility to care for the Earth, as well as the plant, animal, and human populations that live on it, and all that wish to do so are welcome in my heart.
And lastly, a bit of humor, seen on a church sign in my neighborhood:
“What did Noah do with all the woodpeckers??”
Postcards from the Bering Sea
I just had to share with you these pics from a friend of mine who is captain of a NOAA research vessel, currently in the Bering Sea (Mike Francisco, for those of you that may remember him from back in the day). Baby seals, which are part of their subject research – too cute not to post! Hope these put a smile in your day :)
Spotted Seal (credit: Ensign Carl Rhodes, NOAA)
Ribbon Seal (credit: Dr. Peter Boveng, NOAA)
Releasing expectations
Today a very long-standing group of Internet friends and I conducted a ritual. We’ve done this before – a ritual of support and love for the friends that have stood by us, given us good advice, commiserated, laughed, and ranted, shared perfect moments and moments of despair. Together we’ve watched each other grow in spirit, in confidence, had babies, bought houses, retired, gotten better jobs, gotten degrees, survived hurricanes and break-ins, teenagers and parents.
Today our ritual was about joining together in a virtual circle and helping the person to our right release something, and giving the person to our left something personal and important to release. Being the group that we are, candles and tarot cards were used along with our thoughts and prayers to help release these big issues to the Universe, and make all of our lives happier, more confident, better in every way.
I’ve learned so much over the last year or two. About myself, about relationships, about life. Today I realized, I was ready to release something really important – expectations about the future. This started with one particular relationship, until I realized that it applied to everything else in my life too. Recently I have noticed myself being much more able to just let things be, enjoy the moment, and not obsess about the past or worry about the future. This is true for those I most care about as well as the new friends I am making, and other aspects of my life – like where I will live in the next five years or my future career – issues that are currently wide open.
Expectations have caused me a lot of pain over the last few years. No matter how I tried, I couldn’t help wishing for a particular outcome (yes, we’re talking a love relationship here), and imagining what that future should look like, then being disappointed and hurt when that future turned out not to be possible. This doesn’t actually begin to cover how I felt about “losing” this future – which in reality I never had. At the same time, I had wonderful times with someone I really love. Looking back – I can see which is more important.
These expectations cause us no end of trouble. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last five years, it’s that your future seldom looks anything like you thought it would. It may be “better” or “worse”, but it will surely be different :) If something wonderful happens, but it’s not what you thought would happen – sometimes your attachment to what you wanted to happen can diminish your enjoyment of what does happen. And if the wonderful doesn’t happen, your attachment to what you want to happen can keep you in that situation much longer than you really should be.
Right now, my life is wide open. My love life, what I do to earn a living, the country I choose to live in – everything may change over the next few years. It’s an exciting time, and I am very dedicated to living it as I go. I will make conscious choices as I go along, rather than trying to force the uncertain future into a predetermined mold. I find that I am enjoying my time spent with friends, lovers, and family a lot more, without placing expectations on them or myself. I can daydream about possible futures, without feeling a strong attachment to making a particular one happen. I can feel the excitement of knowing how many possibilities there truly are, and knowing that the one that comes true may not even be anything I can imagine.
Release your expectations, and live in the now. Easy to say – finally, I think I can do it.
A tiny ray of hope
Those of you who read this blog know that I often post on issues related to global warming and the environment. In general, I think most environmental scientists have a pretty pessimistic view of the state of things to come and the challenges we’re going to be facing over the next 50 years, largely due to the magnitude and variety of impacts related to global warming, along with many unrelated issues.
One of the scary things that hasn’t really gotten into the public consciousness yet is the acidification of the oceans. The CO2 we’re adding into the atmosphere is counterbalanced somewhat by the ocean, which acts as a giant reservoir into which some of the CO2 can dissolve. Unfortunately, when it does so, the oceans become more acidic. The amount of CO2 that has been added to the oceans has already started to tip the balance, and there are measurable changes in pH. This process also reduces carbonate in seawater, which makes up coral reefs and the exoskeletons of small organisms important at the base of the oceanic food chain.
I know you’re still waiting for the ray of hope, so here it is. There’s a fascinating short article in Science (Mar 30 2007) which describes an experiment in which a variety of corals were exposed to more acidic ocean water, to see what would happen. The fossil record suggests that corals have survived periods of global warming in past geologic history, but no-one was quite sure how. It turns out that in fact the corals do lose their skeletons, and the little critters inside have their soft bodies exposed.
Astonishingly, they can live that way. They seem to grow and thrive perfectly well, as long as they are attached to a hard rock that doesn’t dissolve. We would still lose the coral reefs and all the structural diversity they provide, but the living beings in the coral would survive. And the research showed that once things get back to normal again – the critters build their little exoskeletons and the coral rebuilds itself. !!
I for one found this pretty amazing. Of course there are still 900 other things that can and will go wrong, but it’s just such a relentless tide of bad news that it’s wonderful to see one little part of the ecosystem that can adapt.
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