Life as an adventure, Part II
It all started to really come clear for me when I and some friends went up to Breitenbush for a few days – a wellness community in the mountains of Oregon with hot springs, their own geothermal and hydro energy, vegan food, yoga classes, etc :) This was a long-awaited trip, but difficult in some ways. None of us are great travellers – it was a long drive and right in the middle of a heat wave. It was 102 degrees in the mountains at 5pm when we arrived! It didn’t cool off until after 1am and in the meantime, Kelcey and I both had bad migraines from the heat. I was berating myself about what I had gotten myself into, and how I was ever going to get them home again (since the next day was supposed to be even hotter and they don’t drive much). I felt responsible, and that I had failed my friends (or my body had). Never mind that they weren’t in any better shape.
But we went out after dark and walked the labyrinth, and when I reached the center I prayed to the elemental gods for it to cool off, just a bit. I talked things over with Maureen all night, and sometime late, some part of me just let go. I said, “maybe I’ll just get some rest now and see how it is in the morning.” And in the morning… it was still hot, but just a little bit cooler. And I sat in the shade, and read tarot cards, and dipped in a warm tub then a cold tub, and cooled off. And ate some of the best vegan food I have ever had in my life, and listened to the wooden flute playing somewhere in the forest, and relaxed. And then we went out very late at night and sat in the hot springs, though it was still really too warm.
And then we drove home, and all was well. And Maureen said… “It’s all part of the journey.” Or I did, I can’t remember. Until now, that phrase hasn’t had much meaning for me, seeming like one of those new age things that people say. But if you look at life, it’s so full of difficulties with little moments of grace woven in, and joys with little elements of sadness intertwined, that each moment is a new discovery – and both the good and the bad are equal parts of the journey, each to be experienced on its own, and each only temporary. The next moment may be better, or worse – and there’s only one way to find out…
So, the adventure of life, like walking a trail. The days with migraines are like slogging up a steep trail in the heat of midday, exhausted and wondering why you are doing this and when the misery will end. Then even in the midst of this with aching feet and back – a gorgeous vista, glimpsed around a corner, or a rare bird flitting across one’s path. Like the flocks of orange butterflies at Breitenbush feeding on the sulfur springs. Accomplishments – reaching the summit of a trail – only to find there’s more to do and hills still to climb. The downward part of the trail into a lush, cool valley with springs and streams – the nap in my hammock with a cool breeze and my cat curled up at my side. Days of walking, picking out the plants along the trail and interesting geology along the way – being engaged in one’s life and work and having everything go relatively smoothly. Putting up the tent, rolling out the sleeping bag, packing up in the morning, all the little chores of life that are done, over and over and over again, but bring some measure of satisfaction in doing them well.
These are my philosophies now – living even more in the moment. Sometimes you just have to start up that trail, not knowing if you have the strength to finish, and see what the journey brings. Even if the worst happens there are new experiences to savor and memories you couldn’t have had any other way – and often, it works out great, and you would have sure missed those things if you hadn’t tried at all. And absolutely no point in worrying about how things will go or what will come next, because at least now, for a while, it seems utterly unpredictable.
Every day is an adventure…
Notice I didn’t say what KIND of adventure :D Because every day is different – heck, every hour is different. Life right now is so full of ups and downs, set-backs and challenges, things to look forward to, things to worry about, romance, frustration, technical difficulties, and immense amounts of work and stress, that things never seem to be the same from moment to moment. One minute I am strong, productive and capable, an hour later I am down with a migraine worrying about how I will ever meet all my work responsibilities this summer. Two hours later I am up again, puttering around the house doing chores, which makes me feel better again – to have everything in order and be able to take care of these basic things. The next morning, I may feel better – or worse. Who knows? Sometimes it depends on the weather (literally).
The latest things are a really mixed bag. My eyes have started to see double on the freeway, which sent me to the optometrist (where I haven’t been for more than 10 years, having had perfect eyesight pretty much most of my life). Two small astigmatisms and minor nearsightedness later, she thinks that’s the cause – so I am waiting for driving glasses, and in the meantime not able to see properly – not fun when you’re working on data constantly. That plus migraines is creating a real struggle for getting all my work done.
On the plus side, I’m starting an exciting new business (see below) and all kinds of synchronicities are popping up to support it. I have been asked to moderate a panel of speakers at a public conference in September, where we can publicly launch our business among just about the perfect audience – oddly enough at the same conference I launched my last successful business at 9 years ago. I am getting into the thick of the Hanford natural resource trustee mediation that is coming up in August, and that should be a good challenge.
My love life is looking up – I finally get to have a real relationship instead of a long-distance one. I’m enjoying it so much – and yet the timing couldn’t be worse, since I am busier with work than I have been in 10 years. It’s hard to have a retired friend who wants to take you sailing when you have to stay home and work :( Still, I’m not complaining. And even this is an adventure – having both just come out of long marriages, we’re not ready to define the boundaries of our relationship. But we sure are enjoying it :) And with all the talking and thinking we’ve done about relationships over the last several years (much of which is recorded on these pages), we’re OK with keeping it fluid.
Back on the not-so-great side of the ledger, my elderly grandparents are having a really difficult time health-wise since their move into a retirement home. The place is really nice, we are all happy with it. But their health has really taken a turn for the worse and it’s not clear that they can keep living on the independent side. My mom has been over there every day trying to help with medication, finances, etc., but there may be only so much we can do before they get moved into assisted living, if they can’t take care of themselves on a daily basis. This would be a huge blow for them, but the current situation is hard on my mom, and what limited time I have I am doing my best to give her a break. The good part is they are much closer now so if we can ever get them settled in and healthy, we’ll all get to visit a lot more.
I’ve been upgrading my computer – hardware and software, 10 years of projects moved on to a new machine with a different operating system. The less said about that the better. Except that it cost me a lot of needed time, at a time when I didn’t have it to spare – yet it had to be done to do my current work. And the good side – I solved all the problems myself, even if it did take 5 days to get them all. From what I’ve been reading about Vista online – that’s not bad. And it’s the first time I’ve been able to undertake and complete a project like that without help.
Wow. Is that enough or what? This is all leading to developing some kind of philosophy of life. More on that in Part 2.
Creative conflict resolution
I’ve been pretty busy lately, and just wanted to write a little about what has taken up so much of my time and effort. I’m ready to launch a new business, Mediation Solutions. This business is all about preventing and resolving conflicts – in the workplace, in personal life, business, and the environment/public policy field. After nearly 20 years of working for the environment as a technical consultant, I have come to appreciate the critical importance of conflict as a barrier to getting anything done – in nearly all realms of life.
I’m very excited to have a partner join me in this effort – Stephanie Stirling, whom some of you may know. She is a person that I have grown to admire over the almost 15 years we have worked together – in various roles: as fellow regulators, client-consultant, workshop and training organizers… Like me, she has worked within her federal role as a facilitator-on-the-side of her normal biological/regulatory duties. This is a good fit for her at this time in her professional career, and it’s a neat feeling for me to have a partner for the first time.
The other very interesting thing we’re doing with this is, in addition to the traditional face-to-face approaches, getting set up for an increasing focus on online conflict resolution. Online conflict resolution fills many niches – it helps address international commerce and workplace issues, and provides software and techniques for working with people in widely varying geographic locations and timezones.
Aside from these more obvious uses, it turns out that it is helpful in a lot of practical ways also – participants do not need to be online at the same time, do not need to take time off work, travel anywhere, or arrange childcare. One can participate from anywhere – home, office, airport, wi-fi cafe, hotel room… It is useful in situations where emotions are so high that it is hard for participants to sit in the same room and communicate effectively. Translation issues can be dealt with. And lastly – younger generations are growing up doing everything online. They’re going to expect to be able to resolve their issues and conflicts there also.
So, we’re jumping into the bold new world of online conflict resolution. It may not generate much traffic at first, but I think it will be a fast-growing market someday. And then maybe Stephanie can relax in her new home on Whidbey Island and I can relax in my hacienda in Ecuador and we can tap away and resolve the world’s conflicts :) Oh… if only it were that easy!
The changing face of marriage
A recent poll by the nonprofit Pew Research Center shows that the nature of marriage is changing to become less child-centric and more oriented toward “mutual happiness and fulfillment.” The top predictors of a successful marriage did not include any child-related issues, but were instead:
- faithfulness
- good sex
- equitable sharing of household chores
- economic stability
- common religious beliefs
- shared tastes and interests
Only one-quarter of adults said that the bearing and raising of children was the primary purpose of marriage. This is a major change even since 1990. Not ever having had children as a primary purpose of my relationships, it’s hard for me to judge exactly what this means to the American psyche and our social structure. But I do think it’s interesting from the standpoint of all the soul-searching I’m doing now about the purpose and structure of a primary partnership and whether marriage has any place in that.
Could it be that marriage as the tradition I’ve always known is going through a fundamental change, which may mean I’m not as far out of the mainstream as I’ve thought? Lately it seems in the discussions I’m having with others, there is a general agreement that we need more latitude for change throughout our lives. There needs to be some recognition that we are not the same people at 50 that we are at 25 or at 75, and our partnerships may need to grow, change, or even end and begin anew.
The cataclysmic tragedies we suffer as we learn that our life-long vows are inadequate perhaps could be alleviated by a shift in how we view marriage to begin with. Yes, this carries a risk that we will not be as committed to our partners – at least in theory. I am not sure whether this would really be true – something like whether or not teaching teenagers about birth control really leads them to have more sex.
Instead, I think it might encourage more realistic expectations of marriage and one’s partner, and perhaps less taking each other for granted and more open dialogue as we go along of what is working and what isn’t and what might need to change. This would have helped my marriage a great deal. An understanding that we have choices and may have several primary partnerships during the course of our lifetimes may actually make us work harder to keep one that we value, as well as free us mentally to move on and make the most of our lives and relationships if one is not working.
The further down the path of life I go, the more I think that an openness to change and flexibility are key to making the most of life and relationships. Of course, that’s the very thing that most of us are most afraid of, losing the one we love. Yet how often do we lose them, or end up having to walk away, because the need for change was not acknowledged?
Education Quotes
From my Association for Conflict Resolution Quarterly:
Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence. – Robert Frost
Next in importance to freedom and justice is popular education, without which neither freedom nor justice can be permanently maintained. – James A. Garfield
It has always seemed strange to me that in our endless discussions about education so little stress is laid on the pleasure of becoming an educated person, the enormous interest it adds to life. – Edith Hamilton
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. – Aristotle
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater. – Gail Godwin
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe. – H.G. Wells
Prejudices, it is well known, are most difficult to eradicate from the heart whose soil has never been loosened or fertilized by education; they grow there, firm as weeds among rocks. – Charlotte Bronte
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