A perfect summer day
All summer, the weather has been strange – cold start, then blazingly hot, followed by torrential rains in August, you name it. From cold to hot in an instant and back again. But today was perfect, as perfect as a summer day can be. I thought I’d capture it…
The cushions were all aired out from the rains after 2 days in the sun, and I brushed off all the patio furniture and put it all together – clean and dry. The temperature was perfect on my skin – so close to just right that there was no noticeable hot or cold. I climbed into my green garden hammock and snoozed, the cat climbing up and joining me there.
In the garden, tomatoes ripening on the vine and squash plants climbing all over, getting ready to set their fruit. In the background, the amazing deep cornflower blue hydrangeas, like none I’ve ever seen, and the honeysuckle arbor with visiting, twittering hummingbirds flitting overhead.
A dragonfly passes high above, the green trees all around. Wind ruffles the trees and sends a breeze to lull us in our hammock. The sky blue, with wispy clouds drifting across it. The sky and trees seeming crystalline and far away, unreal.
Taking out cold salmon, sour cream and dill sauce and cucumber salad and enjoying my dinner outside, savoring the ability to have dinner outdoors and enjoy the early evening. A good day… looking forward to many more in September!
Impressions of the Aquarius Full Moon
Last night I was driving home at 1am, watching the full moon hanging over the night sky at the end of a long, very hot day. The heat wave makes everyone a little crazy to start with, and an Aquarius full moon can result in all kinds of unexpected strangeness.
Soon the night sky was lit up with lightning, flashes and sheet lightning. Police and ambulances were out in force, all the more noticeable in the middle of the night traffic. Everywhere I looked, flashing red and blue lights kept me focused on careful driving.
Awakened at 4am by thunder and my cat meowing piteously at the door, frightened by the strangeness of the weather and upset already that I had been gone all day and was now ignoring her. I got up sleepily and we had some calming time on the couch. The moon moved into Pisces and all was quiet…
It’s still very hot.
My favorite salmon barbecue marinade
This one never fails. I just made it up one day and I was so happy with it that I’ve used it ever since. The only problem is, I’ve never measured it. I’d really like to send it in to Cooking Light, so I suppose someday I’ll just have to make it, and try measuring it as I go along. It sounds really weird, but it’s really, really good.
Here goes. Don’t worry about the proportions really, because it’s hard to mess it up, and I’m just guessing here.
1. Mix together about a cup each of soy sauce and lime juice – anyway, equal proportions. Scale up if it’s a large party. I used to use light ginger-soy (Sun Luck), but whatever kind of soy sauce you like. Sushi soy might be good too – basically a lighter variety that’s not too salty.
2. Add a bit of olive oil to make it stick to the fish, but not too much (this is a light recipe). Try a 1/4 cup.
3. Add about a tablespoon of ginger and a tablespoon of lemon grass powder (if you don’t have that, just skip it, no big deal)
4. Press a bunch of garlic to taste and add that. 1-6 cloves depending on how much you LOVE garlic :)
5. Chop up a ton of cilantro and mix it in, enough that it pretty well thickens the mixture.
6. Salt and pepper to taste (or not, if you don’t want it, it’s not actually necessary).
Marinade the salmon in this mixture for 30-40 minutes. While the coals are being prepared is about right. Take the salmon out of the marinade but leave plenty of cilantro and garlic sticking to it :) Grill as you normally would and enjoy!
PS – if you’re reading this, also take a look at this entry for more salmon recipes and this entry on wild salmon.
Recently read on the side of a yogurt container…
I’ve been buying mostly organic these days, whenever I can. I’m kind of an inveterate label reader, as I like to know what I’m eating. I was curious what this was sweetened with, being organic (it turned out to be fruit juice). So I’m reading along, and I find this odd bit:
FDA Required Statement: “No significant difference has been shown between milk derived from rBGH-treated and non-rBGH-treated cows.”
Note that this yogurt cup had made no claims about anything regarding rBGH-free dairy products, other than that this yogurt had none, sensibly leaving the decision about whether that’s important up to the consumer. Apparently the FDA feels no such even-handedness is required.
I mean, think about it. Who is the FDA protecting here? The only people who could benefit from such a statement being added to all organic diary containers would be large dairy companies who don’t want organic products to out-compete their non-organic products in the marketplace. It’s not as if the hormone-free dairy product might have some hidden danger we can’t foresee; the rBGH is logically more likely to have a possible danger, whether or not we know it.
The scientist in me immediately started to pick apart the statement, too. “No significant difference” means what, exactly? We know the hormones do show up in the dairy products. So that can’t be what they mean (many would consider that a significant difference). In the nutritional content? Well, that isn’t what most people are worried about. In the environment? Hormones used by humans in various forms are showing up in increasing quantities, making fish biologists worry what that might be doing to natural mating and spawning cycles. Never mind your three-year-old.
Hrm. Do you feel safer yet?
How you can both get what you want
Every now and then, I’m posting some thoughts from the field of mediation, partly because it’s what I do and partly because it’s so helpful in everyday life. I posted a blog a while back on how to say no positively, and it’s one of the most frequently googled posts I have. So for your consideration, a few thoughts on how to get through your next conflict, whether it be at work, at home, with a neighbor or a business.
First, some basic negotiation theory. Most people approach negotiations as if there’s a pie that needs to be split. If one person gets more, the other gets less. Dealing with money is a good example – if your department has only so much funding, what each person gets has to add up to that and no more. But even when dealing with money, there’s another way, and it’s called “interest-based” negotiation.
Here’s a story often used to illustrate it. Two sisters are arguing over some oranges. Each insists that she needs all of them for a breakfast they are making for Mother’s Day. The oranges come from Mom’s garden, but this is all there is.
If this were a standard negotiation, the mediator might ask each sister if there is any way they could do with less, and divide up what there is. Or maybe they could go the store and buy more, and each could have some of the ones from the garden and some store-bought ones. Neither sister goes away with what she wants, and chances are both are unhappy.
Now we go to interest-based negotiation. The mediator asks each sister WHY she wants the oranges. She might not see the point, but she’ll probably answer the question. The first says she wants the rind to bake a coffee cake. The second says she needs the fruit to make orange juice. The mediator splits the rind from the fruit, passes out the pieces, and everyone gets 100% of what she wants. The idea is to increase the size of the pie rather than splitting a smaller pie.
Now of course, it’s not always this easy. But a surprising amount of the time, people come into a dispute assuming that there’s only one way to get what they need. And if that way isn’t acceptable to the other person, an intractable problem arises.
Here’s a more typical problem. An employee has decided she needs a raise. Her boss doesn’t have any more money to give her a raise, so he says no. She continues to press the issue, saying that she must earn more money or take another job. Not wanting to lose her but not knowing where to get the money, the boss calls the company mediator.
The mediator starts by exploring both sides a little more, mainly by asking why – getting to the interests underneath the positions. Her position is that she needs more money, but the reason she needs more money is her interests – her daycare is charging more and gas prices have gone up. So you could summarize her interests as childcare and transportation costs.
Her boss has no additional money to give, but cares about his employee. His interests are keeping a good employee and her general well-being. He also cares about his budget and keeping his own job, but is willing to think about what else he could offer her. Previously, he did not know her interests. Now that he knows what they are, he can try to find another way to meet them.
Maybe he can offer her ways to offset her gas costs, like rideshare, free bus passes, flex-time, a shorter week, or telecommuting. Possibly some of these could also help with her child-care costs, by reducing the amount of time her child spends at the daycare. The ability to know her interests and offer her something else that meets them (especially if he can give her choices) demonstrates that he cares about her and may actually provide a better solution. Maybe she will find that she loves working at home or having an extra day off, more than she would have appreciated the extra money that would just go to rising costs anyway.
Now you don’t need a mediator to use these ideas in your own conflicts, as long as you keep some basic principles in mind.
1) Positions are just that – they always represent underlying interests that are usually much more important than the surface positions. Explore what’s underneath.
2) Find out what the other person’s interests are by asking questions. They will appreciate that you care why they hold the position they do and will usually want you to understand. Use active listening – a time set aside when you are just listening to them and not making your own points.
3) Make sure that you understand that your own positions are just that, and may not be the only good solution. Try to identify your own underlying interests and communicate those to the other person. It is just possible that they may be able to think of ways you haven’t thought of to meet them which would work out better for both of you.
4) Repeat the other person’s interest and state your own. Ask if you got their side of the issue right. Then ask for their help in coming up with a way you can both get what you need.
Try not to overwhelm the other person all at once. You may have thought this all out, but they may need time to reflect. Try to think of it as a conversation over time that may lead to a solution. Once you really understand where they’re coming from, you may also need time to figure out how to meet their needs – this is a two-way street, and it has to work for both people or the agreement won’t last.
Unrelenting pain
OK, I know this may not be a topic everyone wants to read about. But for those of you who share this particular facet of life with me at times, I could use your help, your thoughts, your ideas and perspectives. Anyone who would find this too depressing, stop here and read the other posts!
I have what’s know as a “recalcitrant” migraine – that means it’s always there, all the time. Much of the time I can manage it away with drugs and careful lifestyle planning, but at times it has its way. I’ve learned to cope with this through a variety of what my doctor calls “rescue drugs.” And careful planning for those situations when I have a migraine for a week, like how to get food, etc.
I know that my work contributes to it. Hours in front of the computer watching spreadsheets flash by doesn’t help. And even the games I like and other things I love to do. But the work is the hardest. I’m working hard to change this, and go into different lines of work that won’t be so hard on my eyes and my head.
All this is to say that, in spite of the migraines, I’ve got that somewhat under control. But then there are the weeks like this one… The last month I’ve been working really long hours trying to get some major projects done so I CAN change direction on my career. My body’s letting me know that the hours have been a little too long, in spite of stretch breaks, etc.
First, I got a deep pain in my calf that took about a week to resolve. No sooner had that gone away, then I ended up with a pinched nerve in my back. Some of you may know how painful that is. It’s almost unbearable, and every movement sends stabbing pain into your neck and back. I got some medicine for it – but here’s the rub. Pain medicine and anti-inflammatories, the two things I most need to solve the nerve problem, both trigger migraines. Migraines are, after all, all about inflammation of blood vessels and the muscles around them.
So, I’ve been waiting nervously to see if trying to treat the back pain would trigger migraines. Not to mention my stomach trying to handle these drugs on top of all the ones I normally have to take. And sure enough, today I am stuck with the pain in my back only a little better, and a migraine coming on. And my stomach hurts.
I swear, there are times. I just don’t know what to do. Obviously I will have to stop taking the pain pills and anti-inflammatories. I may have to deal with a migraine now too. I am wandering around the house helplessly not sure what to do. I’ve been lying down so much that any more of that will just make me stiffer and groggier – and I can’t sleep in any comfortable position. But sitting up and aimlessly walking around isn’t helping either.
Which just brings me to my question. How do you all deal with this, when your body is such a mess that it seems like it just isn’t worth it? There are times when I just get past the point of wanting to give up. If it were as easy as just lying down and going “OK that’s it, I’ve had it”, I probably would have done it half a dozen times in my life.
Obviously one thing that helps me is writing it down and hearing from other people. I don’t know why, but it helps. But I just don’t see how people manage this over the long term. If I had this kind of pain every day, I can’t help feeling like I would just give up – somehow, some way. I watched my grandmother live through months and months of horrible pain, and she was stubborn for a long time. She really wanted to stay with my grandfather. But ultimately, she did choose to go. And my great-grandmother before her. They both chose their time. But they were both well over 80. My body wouldn’t cooperate if I told it to do anything like that :)
And of course, when I’m through it and feeling better, I enjoy life. But the long periods of pain seem harder and harder to cope with. That doesn’t feel like life to me, just unnecessary suffering. I don’t know anymore how to cope with it. Repetition seems to make it harder, the more times you have to go through it, the more pointless it becomes, because you never get to make it go away or get well.
I dunno, I’m rambling. And I’ve probably sat in front of the computer longer than I should have right now. Any thoughts, ideas? How do you deal with this? Just hearing your voices will help, I know.
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