How to say “no,” positively

You may have heard of the book “Getting to Yes” by Bill Ury - a book that revolutionized negotiations and formed the basis for most of what we do in mediation. He put into words the idea of negotiating from underlying interests rather than surface positions, and creating solutions that benefit both parties’ basic needs rather than simply compromising - which tends to make neither person happy.

Now he’s written a new book, called “The Power of a Positive No.” I learned about it at a dispute resolution conference last week, but I’m writing about it here because I think everyone can use this book and the ideas in it to help set boundaries, stand up for yourself and for social justice, and learn how to say no anytime you really need to in life.

So what is a positive no? Not surprisingly, it’s a “no” that starts with a yes and ends with a yes. The first yes is to yourself - why are you saying no? What alternative principle are you saying yes to which requires you to say no to the other person? Being very clear with yourself about this and being able to affirmatively communicate it to the other person is key to saying no positively.

The second part is the actual no. What is it that you don’t want to do or can’t do? What principle or part of the other person’s proposal are you not accepting? Saying no in a respectful and firm way is important for this part.

Lastly, there is a final yes, this time to the other person. This comes in the form of another way that that person can get their needs met, or another alternative you can propose that you can say yes to. This final yes reaches out and reaffirms that you value your relationship with the other person.

So what does this look like? Suppose your boss comes to you and asks you to work weekends for the next month in order to finish a critical project that the company has fallen behind on for an important client. You need and want to say no, but you are afraid of losing your job, losing your boss’s respect, disappointing your client, not pulling your weight with other co-workers, etc.

The negative no: “No way! Thanksgiving is coming up - I can’t believe you would ask me to do that.” or “I don’t get paid enough to work weekends!” or even “Sorry, I just can’t. My wife will kill me.” All of these are negative nos that don’t come across very well. Don’t make excuses, stand for a positive principle.

The positive no: “In our family, Thanksgiving is the main holiday of the year, and we will have relatives visiting from out of town. My daughter’s soccer finals are also next weekend. It’s important to me to be with the family for these events. So, I can’t work weekends for the next month. But, I can work this weekend and I can work late Wednesday and Thursday evenings. I can also talk to June and see if she’d be willing to help out. We’ll find a way to get it done!”

Of course, if this boss is always asking you to give up your weekends and holidays, you might be less forthcoming about putting in the extra time. In that case, you have to really look at your values and what’s important to you. You may need a Plan B if your boss doesn’t accept your positive no - for example, looking for a new job.

Thinking about it this deeply whenever you feel like you want to say no helps you identify your underlying priorities, and take whatever action is appropriate. In the first case above, it may be to find a way to get both of your needs met. In the second case, it may be to recognize that your current job is incompatible with those deeper values.

The travels of food and drink - eat local

I’ve written previously on the ecological impacts of our food choices, which dance in a close and complicated relationship with health, variety, and the sheer wonderful enjoyment of food in all its forms. Lately, I took Barbara Kingsolver’s book Animal, Vegetable, Miracle with me on vacation, which continued my learning process. One thing I’m becoming more aware of is that distance matters, and processing matters - from a petroleum and energy usage point of view.

The concept of buying organic and buying local is becoming more integrated into our awareness. But it’s about more than just avoiding pesticides, and more than supporting our local farmers and community. Buying organic isn’t great if that raspberry in December is from Chile - the amount of oil used to get it here and the amount of CO2 emissions released into the atmosphere by that plane far offset any possible benefit from organic farming.

Forget about organic farming for a minute - with the ever increasing globalization of corporations and food supplies, most of the food we buy comes from great distances. Here are the astonishing figures which may bring it home - if every American ate only ONE meal per week - that’s ANY meal - from local sources, it would save 1.1 MILLION BARRELS of oil PER WEEK in transportation, storage, and refrigeration costs. Imagine that.

It reminds me of the conservation efforts so prevalent during WWII, when our nation’s government figured out what we needed to ration, and asked each American to contribute. Imagine what could happen if the US government had an education campaign and asked Americans to contribute to US energy independence by eating locally. Not only would we save untold amounts of oil, possibly freeing ourselves from the need to stick our nose in the business of certain parts of the world, but our food would be healthier, fresher, tastier, and we would be supporting local family farms - as opposed to huge conglomerate agribusiness.

As for organics, you can have your cake (well, pear) and eat it too. Local food does tend to be organic, at least far more often than other food. Visit your local farmer’s market or small grocery that stocks it - you’ll find that not only is it local, it’s organic, heirloom, fresh, and tastes far better than the alternative. And contrary to popular belief - not any more expensive than grocery food.

Education Quotes

From my Association for Conflict Resolution Quarterly:

Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence. - Robert Frost

Next in importance to freedom and justice is popular education, without which neither freedom nor justice can be permanently maintained. - James A. Garfield

It has always seemed strange to me that in our endless discussions about education so little stress is laid on the pleasure of becoming an educated person, the enormous interest it adds to life. - Edith Hamilton

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. - Aristotle

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater. - Gail Godwin

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe. - H.G. Wells

Prejudices, it is well known, are most difficult to eradicate from the heart whose soil has never been loosened or fertilized by education; they grow there, firm as weeds among rocks. - Charlotte Bronte

Russian publishers

Just got a copy of the Russian version of my book - I really like the cover. Somehow this seems much classier than the American version of it, shown below. And it’s hardcover, even. Beautiful :) What do you think?

The two versions certainly give you a different impression. Interesting what the publishers think will sell better in different markets (authors have little to no control over the covers of their books - something that takes a LOT of getting used to!).

The Decline and Fall of …. which empire was that again?

About ten years ago I read Gibbon’s The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, and was struck by certain similarities to a certain civilization we’re all familiar with. Check out this list of contributing factors hypothesized by Gibbon and other historians:

- Constant foreign invasions and overextension of the armies, resulting in a massive percentage of the tax base going to support the wars, a general reluctance on the part of the populace to serve in the legions, and the hiring of mercenaries to do some of the fighting

- The federal government taking local tax revenues to support the wars and reducing support for local government, resulting in less investment in infrastructure and social services

- Farmers being forced into bankruptcy and welfare due to taxation; the disappearance of the middle classes; starvation among the poor

- General hedonism among the upper classes, gluttony and drunkenness, moral and ethical decline, and materialism

- The rise of lawyers and litigation, placing a burden on government and the economy

- Inflation of currency and lack of manufacturing

- The emergence of Iran as a military threat (!) and being constantly embroiled in battles in the Middle East

- Environmental degradation caused by overpopulation, including deforestation, over-use of water resources, and extinction of species

Gee. Does any of this sound familiar?? It seem even more true than 10 years ago when I first read it. Maybe it’s time for us to take a fall; if the British survived it, so can we. Possibly a little more humble for it, let’s hope.

Check out the Tarot Channel

I just started writing for a new group tarot blog (featuring Mark McElroy and Janet Boyer as editors) over at The Tarot Channel. Pop over and check it out, and let us know what you think. It’s a neat idea, I think, to have a bunch of us writing in the same place about a topic we all like, but approach in very different ways. Plus Mark has a unique talent for finding odd and interesting tidbits on the web to keep us all entertained :)

As you know, this blog is kinda my own personal space, and you may find anything at all here on any given day. This way, if I feel like really writing about tarot in ways that are more in-depth and less personal, I’ve got another place to do it. Both of these forms of blogging are new to me in the last year, and it’s all very interesting - so many ways to communicate and participate in a community, and hard to know which ones will take the world by storm and which ones will slowly fall away. Fun to watch it happen though!

Welcome to LiveJournal Taro-Ru Tarot Readers!!

Suddenly there are all kinds of folks visiting my blog from a LiveJournal tarot group in Russian - and I just wanted to say Welcome! Not too long ago, my book The Complete Tarot Reader was published in Russian, and it’s exciting to see a link to my blog (along with such august company as Rachel Pollack’s blog) posted on their website. I’ll have to get on my publisher - they were supposed to send me a copy of my book in Russian (I can even read a little of it - especially knowing what it says :D) I studied Russian in high school and my first serious boyfriend was a Russian immigrant, so I was really thrilled when one of my books was chosen to be translated into Russian. I have to run out the door now - but just wanted to share with you my excitement at having all these new friends across the world :)