The changing face of marriage

A recent poll by the nonprofit Pew Research Center shows that the nature of marriage is changing to become less child-centric and more oriented toward “mutual happiness and fulfillment.” The top predictors of a successful marriage did not include any child-related issues, but were instead:

- faithfulness
- good sex
- equitable sharing of household chores
- economic stability
- common religious beliefs
- shared tastes and interests

Only one-quarter of adults said that the bearing and raising of children was the primary purpose of marriage. This is a major change even since 1990. Not ever having had children as a primary purpose of my relationships, it’s hard for me to judge exactly what this means to the American psyche and our social structure. But I do think it’s interesting from the standpoint of all the soul-searching I’m doing now about the purpose and structure of a primary partnership and whether marriage has any place in that.

Could it be that marriage as the tradition I’ve always known is going through a fundamental change, which may mean I’m not as far out of the mainstream as I’ve thought? Lately it seems in the discussions I’m having with others, there is a general agreement that we need more latitude for change throughout our lives. There needs to be some recognition that we are not the same people at 50 that we are at 25 or at 75, and our partnerships may need to grow, change, or even end and begin anew.

The cataclysmic tragedies we suffer as we learn that our life-long vows are inadequate perhaps could be alleviated by a shift in how we view marriage to begin with. Yes, this carries a risk that we will not be as committed to our partners - at least in theory. I am not sure whether this would really be true - something like whether or not teaching teenagers about birth control really leads them to have more sex.

Instead, I think it might encourage more realistic expectations of marriage and one’s partner, and perhaps less taking each other for granted and more open dialogue as we go along of what is working and what isn’t and what might need to change. This would have helped my marriage a great deal. An understanding that we have choices and may have several primary partnerships during the course of our lifetimes may actually make us work harder to keep one that we value, as well as free us mentally to move on and make the most of our lives and relationships if one is not working.

The further down the path of life I go, the more I think that an openness to change and flexibility are key to making the most of life and relationships. Of course, that’s the very thing that most of us are most afraid of, losing the one we love. Yet how often do we lose them, or end up having to walk away, because the need for change was not acknowledged?

Releasing expectations

Today a very long-standing group of Internet friends and I conducted a ritual. We’ve done this before - a ritual of support and love for the friends that have stood by us, given us good advice, commiserated, laughed, and ranted, shared perfect moments and moments of despair. Together we’ve watched each other grow in spirit, in confidence, had babies, bought houses, retired, gotten better jobs, gotten degrees, survived hurricanes and break-ins, teenagers and parents.

Today our ritual was about joining together in a virtual circle and helping the person to our right release something, and giving the person to our left something personal and important to release. Being the group that we are, candles and tarot cards were used along with our thoughts and prayers to help release these big issues to the Universe, and make all of our lives happier, more confident, better in every way.

I’ve learned so much over the last year or two. About myself, about relationships, about life. Today I realized, I was ready to release something really important - expectations about the future. This started with one particular relationship, until I realized that it applied to everything else in my life too. Recently I have noticed myself being much more able to just let things be, enjoy the moment, and not obsess about the past or worry about the future. This is true for those I most care about as well as the new friends I am making, and other aspects of my life - like where I will live in the next five years or my future career - issues that are currently wide open.

Expectations have caused me a lot of pain over the last few years. No matter how I tried, I couldn’t help wishing for a particular outcome (yes, we’re talking a love relationship here), and imagining what that future should look like, then being disappointed and hurt when that future turned out not to be possible. This doesn’t actually begin to cover how I felt about “losing” this future - which in reality I never had. At the same time, I had wonderful times with someone I really love. Looking back - I can see which is more important.

These expectations cause us no end of trouble. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last five years, it’s that your future seldom looks anything like you thought it would. It may be “better” or “worse”, but it will surely be different :) If something wonderful happens, but it’s not what you thought would happen - sometimes your attachment to what you wanted to happen can diminish your enjoyment of what does happen. And if the wonderful doesn’t happen, your attachment to what you want to happen can keep you in that situation much longer than you really should be.

Right now, my life is wide open. My love life, what I do to earn a living, the country I choose to live in - everything may change over the next few years. It’s an exciting time, and I am very dedicated to living it as I go. I will make conscious choices as I go along, rather than trying to force the uncertain future into a predetermined mold. I find that I am enjoying my time spent with friends, lovers, and family a lot more, without placing expectations on them or myself. I can daydream about possible futures, without feeling a strong attachment to making a particular one happen. I can feel the excitement of knowing how many possibilities there truly are, and knowing that the one that comes true may not even be anything I can imagine.

Release your expectations, and live in the now. Easy to say - finally, I think I can do it.

In search of the now

One of the things I have been frequently reminded of over the last few years is the need to live in the now, and how amazingly hard that can be. We all know how much time we spend thinking about the past, and planning for, or worrying about, the future. All of this at the expense of the now, which is of course, all there really is. The past is unchangeable, and the future may look nothing like we imagine.

The other night I was reading a chapter in a book on mediation about how meditation helps prepare one for mediation by teaching you to be fully present in the now. This is critical in a mediation because of the need to keep constant tabs on the ebb and flow of energies in the room, the responses and reactions of all the participants, and all factual and emotional details you are trying to keep track of. If you let your mind wander, you’re sunk, and valuable opportunities could be lost.

So as I’m reading this chapter, the author keeps yanking me back to the present by asking questions like “what were you thinking about as you read that last page?” Over and over I realized I was not in the moment with this book. I was worrying about what a friend was going to do in the future, and I couldn’t seem to stop. I finally put the book down and went to sleep, when it became clear I wasn’t getting full value out of it.

Later, I got to thinking about when I’m good at being in the now, and when I’m not. During mediations I don’t really have a problem with it - they’re so compelling they hold your interest like little else. Other times - watching a movie, reading a book (fiction - which for me is a lot like watching a movie), having an intense conversation with a friend, making love, being in nature and/or traveling to a new place, sitting in the hot tub, cooking and enjoying great food, petting the cat, yoga, playing games with friends… those are all things that keep me firmly in the now.

Sadly, work is not one of those things, unless it’s really difficult. My mind seems to constantly wander. Any kind of chores, exercise, all lead to avoidance by escaping into the past or future. That’s not really good - if I could learn to be present while exercising, maybe I would find a way to like it more. And procrastinate less with work and chores.

Then there’s relationships. Soooo much thinking about the past and future, over the last few years. Perhaps exacerbated by being in a long-distance relationship for so long in which there was way more time to think in between visits than to actually get to enjoy it. I invested so much in that… in spite of all my efforts had really high hopes and expectations, which made the loss so much harder.

Going through that roller-coaster of emotions has left me in an interesting state. I have been noticing lately that I am much more capable of just being present with someone, even someone with romantic possibilities - and even with the person that I hoped for so greatly. Not worrying about what else they’ve been doing, not wondering where we’re going from here, just enjoying being with them or talking with them. It’s really a nice feeling and a place I’d like to be for a while. This is a true gift that I gained from that experience, and its nice to feel I have learned something about how to be present in relationships. I hope it lasts!

Learning to be alone

I’m discovering I’m really not a good alone person :) I do love my solitude, but at the same time it seems I need almost constant connection to people in some way. This explains my love of blogs, discussion groups, e-mail, IM, telephone conversations… and when those are exhausted, I vastly prefer a book or movie to anything else - even that helps me feel connected. I spend a lot of time lately planning social events and outings on top of all my online activities, volunteering, working - anything to connect with people.

There are many, many projects I could be doing around here that I’m putting off. In pondering why it seems so hard to get around to these, yet I can spend hours blogging or teaching an online class, I’ve decided that it’s because they’re not connected to anyone but me - they’re not for anyone but me - no-one will see them but me. I was a lot more motivated to do these things when I was dating someone, because then at least he would come over and see them :D

I wonder sometimes if this is something that I’ll learn with time - after all, I’ve only been on my own for a couple of years. Or will I always prefer to be doing something that somehow touches other people, even if it’s indirect. I’d like to learn to do things just for and with myself, but not sure how you learn that. When it comes to being positive and grateful and optimistic, I’ve got all kinds of tools and ideas. But when it comes to this… I have no idea how to proceed.

I read other people’s blogs with envy, especially those involving gatherings or little things that people do for each other. Deep down inside, I do want a partner. Yet, I know I would still need a lot of time to myself to make it work. I often wonder how realistic that combination is… I’m certainly more efficient at getting things done when I have plans that I have to be ready for. Less time would be wasted on mindless pursuits stemming from loneliness, I think.

Nature is the one thing that always makes me feel connected, even when I’m alone. I can’t wait for the winter to end so I can get out in it more often. :)

Book Review - VoiceMale

I usually don’t read books about relationships or dating - they’re almost always written by and for women, and you have to wonder how well they really represent the man’s point of view. This book caught my eye though, because it’s written and researched by a man and entirely composed of the voices of men on topics like dating, relationships, marriage, sex, housework, fidelity… lots of interesting stuff. Here, I thought, was my chance to hear the real deal - and I wasn’t disappointed. One of the strengths of this book is that there are a large number of interviews with men of all generations, cultures, and socio-economic classes. It’s particularly fascinating to see how attitudes have changed through the generations.

Some of the most interesting findings for me:

- In first meeting a woman, men do look for looks - but not perfection. The interviews seemed to show that men more often picked out one or two special features of a woman, like a nice smile or beautiful eyes - and still saw those beautiful things in their wives decades later.

- In looking for a partner, the most important attribute is a positive temperament - optimism, cheerfulness, enthusiasm, energy, warmth. Complaining, sarcasm, picky eating - all turn-offs. Men are looking at the long-term here, to what a day-to-day relationship might be like. Of all the valuable information I picked up in this book (for a newly single gal) this one really stood out.

- Issues that most often derail a marriage within the first few years - sharing money, balancing family with outside interests, relations with in-laws, maintaining interest in sex. This last seems to be a product of the “love cocktail” or “honeymoon effect” - that heightened romance and passion that is present in the first few years (or months) of a relationship, which eventually settles down into something more everyday. Power struggles in general are also an issue as the new relationship gets sorted out. In previous generation, each partner had a sphere of influence within the marriage that was relatively well-understood. Now both partners are expected to be more equal, which means that just about everything has to be negotiated and they can’t just settle into previously defined roles. Husbands in successful marriages stated that the key to the first few years of marriage was in learning how to handle disagreements.

- Men frequently define their worth through work - especially after they get married and have a family to support. It makes no difference whether the wife is working too. Working hard is a measure of their love, as well as their own self-worth. So it is frequently baffling to them when their wives complain about feeling neglected and unloved. This is largely a matter of culture and the values instilled in them by their own fathers, and there is a generational conflict here as modern men struggle to balance the expectations of their modern wives with the values instilled in them by their parents. This was one of the major insights I eventually gained into my own marriage - it didn’t help me feel any better, but it did at least help me understand what was going on.

- Women are far more emotionally involved with sex than are men. A frequent misunderstanding between married couples arises when a couple has a fight and subsequently, the wife doesn’t feel like having sex. Men often believe the wife is punishing them by withholding sex, while the woman doesn’t understand how the man can expect her to have sex when she’s upset. It was very interesting to me that many men didn’t get the connection between emotion and passion, even after being married for decades.

- Both men and women reported far greater satisfaction in their sex lives when they felt that the household chores were equitably shared - a very interesting connection suggesting that respect and general household satisfaction are important to sexual enjoyment. Note the word “equitably” - equal division is not necessary as long as the partners felt that the arrangement was fair and mutually agreed upon.

- Long-married men do experience much greater frustration over lack of sexual interest in their wives than do women, especially in the “empty-nest” years when they may have been looking forward to greater opportunity for intimacy. However, no matter how difficult the situation, the vast majority of men who have been married that long opt not to have affairs. They’re not happy about it, but the value of the marriage in other ways is important to them. Overall and aside from these difficulties, married men are far happier with their sex lives than single men.

- Men feel closest to their partners when doing something active together, like a project around the house or a cross-country trip. Side-by-side togetherness feels far more comfortable and enjoyable than face-to-face sharing of emotions and talking. Doing things for their partner and just being there may be how a man expresses his love, rather than saying “I love you.”

VoiceMale - What Husbands Really Think About Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework, and Commitment
Neil Chethik, 2006, Simon & Schuster

Relationships, Part II

I wrote about promises last time, because during and after my divorce, that was something that was bothering me a lot. I had really meant those promises, and I take my commitments very seriously. I was wondering how I could ever look someone I loved in the eye again and say those same things. I guess the truth is, you can’t. Maybe other kinds of promises are more valuable - like a promise to communicate, a promise to be honest, a promise to listen openly and lovingly.

I guess that’s what being young is about - not knowing these things, not knowing that a lifetime commitment may or may not be possible. This time around, I hope to be with someone who has life experience, who may have made the same mistakes but now understands the value of communication and honesty and flexibility.

I had an opportunity earlier this summer to try out on-line dating. It was interesting - I didn’t really meet anyone I wanted to stay with, but I did learn a lot from the conversations we had. Sometimes we would talk about this - how I would like to have a relationship where you could really talk about anything that was going on, anything you needed that you felt you weren’t getting, anything that needed to change. Often there would be this wistful look on his face, like he was thinking how great that would be but remembering just how he thought his former spouse might have reacted to that kind of honesty.

I want to be the kind of partner that always listens when there are things that need to be said, in a way that creates trust and safety. I want to be told if my partner is feeling like he can’t stay, or wants to see someone else, or has needs that aren’t being met. These are the things people find hardest to say, but are by far the most important. Why anyone thinks it will help to keep them hidden I’m not sure. Painful and difficult yes, but allowing things to be worked on and possibly resolved before something terrible happens - or allowing people to part if need be in a more positive place with each other.

So if it’s not our vows to stay together until death do us part that actually keeps us together, what is it? Here’s my list, and judging by the comments on the last post, I feel like I’m making progress toward what others have found in their own lives:

1) Honest and frequent communication, especially in the hard times
2) Creating a safe and supportive relationship that allows this kind of communication no matter what’s happening
3) Generosity, caring, and respect
4) Understanding that life brings changes and a willingness to work on change and challenges together
5) Passion for each other and for the joys of life :)

That last is my own - it might not be high on everyone’s list but it’s what keeps me looking forward to the future and enjoying the now!

Relationships without Promises

More and more lately, I’ve been thinking about relationships without promises. Marriages involve promises, and frequently, they’re broken. I meant my vows to last a lifetime, and they didn’t. And what about those people who get married over and over… what are they thinking? Are they eternal optimists, not really thinking about what they’re promising, or not believing the words they do say?

I’m not sure I can make more promises like that and feel any degree of certainty around them. Yet, I want a meaningful, deep, loving relationship. So the question… can long-term relationships exist without promises, and if so, what would that look like?

There’s a certain maturity to not making promises… it means you’re constantly choosing to be in the relationship you’re in. Rather than trying to hold someone to you by making them swear a vow (or even letting them do it voluntarily) you know that they are always with you because they choose to be. Insecurity and fear hinders this, it seems there is always an internal push to obtain a promise, as if that holds any kind of security or safety. People break those promises all the time, and then are afraid to tell their partners, which leads to affairs, which leads to heartbreak. How much better if we could always know that we both are where we want to be, and if we start to feel that we’re not, we can talk about it and allow change into the relationship - or out of it.

There can also be an immaturity in not making promises, if it is abused by rationalizing that this means you can do anything you want to do. People are usually more sensitive when their partner breaks a promise or a rule they’ve agreed on, but it is equally true that even when there are no promises, a person can be just as hurt. Because we are emotional beings, it’s just not possible to say – it wasn’t against the rules, therefore, it’s OK for me to do it and you shouldn’t care that I did it. If it hurts your partner, it hurts. And usually if you honestly ask yourself the question, would this hurt my partner? you know the answer. And if you don’t, that would be a really good thing to talk over ahead of time, when it’s not a current issue :)

And then there’s the problem that those vows seem to make people complacent - because there’s a promise to stay together for life, there’s less of a push to work on relationship issues. This is really where I think the lack of promises could be a good thing - there is a need to constantly maintain the relationship - to check in that things are working, to talk over things that aren’t working, and to work together through any change that is needed. And to constantly leave open the possibility that maybe the best thing is not to assume that you should stay together your whole life. Couldn’t there be such a thing as serial monogamy - a series of deep and loving commitments that enrich your life while you have them? Why is it that we assume we should have the same partner our entire lives? Fear of change? Or something deeper?

What do you think? This is a deep and engaging issue for me right now and I’d love to hear any and all thoughts on the subject :)